Getting Grumpier and Grumpier as the day progresses

I am not one of those people who can put a positive spin on everything... I so wish I were. Sometimes I meet these people who always look cheerful, upbeat and super friendly and I have the uncontrollable urge to splatter some reality all over them. I want a real person with real emotions, not the Barbie or Ken stamped with a mass-produced plastic smile.

I do measure everybody by my standards, because what other measuring tool/system is there? I am square and I do think inside the box. Is that so bad? I am very responsible. If I said I would get something done, I will get it done even if I have to work 24 hours a day. I would not be able to sleep as this will be bothering me worse than if I were wearing the itchiest woolen underpants. I get so irritated when someone is not only irresponsible, but cheerful at the same time... how the hell do you put a positive spin on your own unreliable carefree actions?

I know I am not supposed to blog about work... but God Almighty, can you punish (just a little) these airheads?

Newly Single and Grumpy

Well, my husband is away on a business trip and I have to manage three kids that are used to being a part of a two-parent household. It is hell, let me tell you! All three, but especially my youngest, have no patience. I mean it, no patience at all! The concept of waiting for something is foreign to Sofia. If she wants it, it has to be done immediately or else the chandelier and the china cabinet will start shaking from the ultrasound my daughter is able to squeeze out of her vocal cords. I have to shower in the morning, but how does one do it with a 16-months old sleeping in my bed (she migrates from her crib into our bed by midnight every night.) I have to very quietly and very quickly wake up Masha (not an easy task to accomplish even when you can take your time and be as loud as you need to be.) Then Masha needs to take my place in the bed quietly and I can go shower and pray to God that Sofia does not discover the "mommy swap." She is too smart to buy into this and will immediately put the siren on. Have I mentioned that I hate my husband right now?

Reinventing oneself

I am at the crossroads now... my wonderful stable job is just not enough anymore, so I need to get creative and figure out how I can satisfy myself and the demands of my family at the same time. I still need to keep my income as I now realize it is a great gift in this economy. I am bored out of my mind though and I want to do something more to just keep my mind interested or else I am at risk of slipping into a puddle of depression doo-doo. I have been contemplating writing a book (hold your comments, it will be in Russian of course!) and I have several scenarios/plots swirling and twirling around my brain (and finding comfy corners to rest/mature.) I need to spend some more time thinking through what would keep me occupied and away (justifiably for once) from having to do the dishes...

Family

You don't want to see what goes on in our house in the morning when all of us are rushing around and are trying to get ready. It is a complete chaos! Kids running to eat breakfast, grab lunches, get ready... the diaper is being changed... the teeth brushes... the doors are slamming.... I am screaming at my husband who is nonchalantly sitting in front of his computer completely oblivious to what else is going on... Today grandma witnessed the horrifying tornado resembling action and tuned right in by screaming at the top of her lungs at how disorganized the kids were, how they needed to prepare everything the night before, how all other kids were fantastic beings(punctual, clean, good students, loving grandkids, so unlike hers...)... My 9 year old daughter Masha turned to Grandma and in her most calm composed voice sympathetically stated: "We are just not that kind of family."

Sharks Rule!

Even Sonik is watching! Sharks are kicking major butt this season. I could never imagine that a new coach could make such a difference. Amazing! The end of second period against Calgary Flames, Sharks are dominating 5:0! Anton and Dad are super excited! The women are a little more even tempered when it comes to hockey, but we (Masha, Sonik and I) think that Sharks jerseys are the best in the league (the teal with white and black looks chic, no?)

Observation

I have a lot of friends that are not parents yet and are longing to have children. When we meet they are fast to run towards my baby girl, completely ignoring my 9 and 10 year olds... The baby is showered with attention, affection and admiration. Wherever the baby goes, she is followed by a swarming buzzing crowd of females... yet the two older kids are mostly turned into disappointed audience, there to witness these spontaneous pagan ceremonies of limb worshipping ("cute tiny feet...look at the sweet little fingers..."). Nobody has ever come up to me and said: "I want me one of those" (pointing at the two older kids.) Why? I love older kids! You can already theorize what type of people they will become... you can see the traits they inherited... they have some scars and bruises, and yet they are still so innocent...

Snoring

Unlike most, I love Vadim's snoring... monotonous waves make me feel at peace and help me drift into sleep better than anything else. Is it the suggestive nature of snoring? I am not sure, but I just cannot stay awake once the first unsteady wild boar like snorts of sleepy husband hit my ears. Is there a technique out there that has a reverse effect to counting sheep?

Happiness

I am so happy right now... with all the things going on and despite health, financial, emotional, communication and weight issues... The truth is I am just now learning how to be happy and actually understand it. I am at peace now just lying on my sofa with my feet cozily tucked under my hubby's behind typing this silliness with some corny Russian TV playing in the background... hubby looking at stocks in search of some juicy new stock we could sink our teeth into (well, more like one last remaining tooth...) Signing off now to spend some time with the love of my life.

Sibling Rivalry

My two older kids born only a year apart can be prototypes for psychology textbooks dealing with a million different psychological problems, with sibling rivalry being at the top of the list. Both of them have taken this to an art form...

Example from this morning... We are all rushing around trying to get out of the house on time... My daughter's brain is of course is in its normal gear (how to get under her brother's skin and appear to be a victim in the process.)

- Mom, did you take cookies to work? (Looking at the plate of cookies that I baked last night... with some clearly missing as of this morning...)
-No... HURRY UP!
(Masha is standing around, her brain neurons are firing.)
- Hmmmmm.... Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad, did you take the cookies?
- Mash, are you packed? Get in the car NOW!
(Sherlock Holmes' hypothetico-deductive method clearly worked for my little detective with an attitude.)

-MMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOMMM! Anton took the cookies! He always takes the cookies... You never tell him no... He can eat whatever he wants... He can eat as much as he wants... He gets everything he wants...I never get anything... He is never in trouble... I am always in trouble...

- (Interrupting the tirade).... GET IN THE CAR NOW!

Motherhood

As a mother of 3, I now:

- can do 100m breast stroke in a pool of urine and baby pooh in under 30 sec... when the baby poos in the bathtub full of water and toys, I actually have a routine down of getting the baby out, rinsing the baby, getting the baby ready for bed, fishing every little bit of poop out of the bathtub with my bare hands, letting the water out, rinsing the tub with clorox bleach solution, rinsing the tub with water, washing all of the toys with soap and water, scrubbing my hands clean... all of this can be done in under 5 minutes (hard to believe, eh?)
- have such high tolerance of puke, that I can walk into a job interview after a morning of being showered with projectile vomiting and not have that phase me one bit...
- very opportunistic when it comes to sex... I am really quite a virtuosa: I have been known to rock the bouncy seat, sing, feed, and do a lot more while enjoying my husbands affections
- I can go months without getting a single night of sleep... it has been over 16 months now and the concept of uninterrupted sleep is simply lost
- I can make my house look picked up in a matter of minutes in true Cat In The Hat manner

Movies

I am not sure how to be selective about the movies the kids watch... Conversation with my daughter Masha earlier today regarding Tropical Thunder:

- Mom, does the movie have some inappropriate stuff for me...
- Yes...
- Good!

Dream

What a messy dream... I am back in Russia for a visit... There is a lunch I scheduled with a friend and I am looking for the cafe... The cafe is called "Cafe on 3rd Street" and I cannot find it... All streets have San Francisco street names, but look gloomy and deserted with run-down apartment highrises on both sides. I am lost and I am alone, walking in circles lost in the labyrinth of unfamiliar buildings and emotions. Finally on the corner I see my Babulya (my maternal grandmother that passed away on October 8, 2003.) She has red curly hair (henna was her main beauty product) and is dressed in orange mohair cardigan and a skirt. She is observing me and I cannot read her face... it has no love, anger, passion, laughter... she is very composed and very calm... Later on I am in her apartment, but it looks nothing like her apartment. It is a one-room tiny place. She is sitting on a hard sofa with her back straight with her shoes on and holding a purse, as if she is in a reception area of some Russian official. She tries to tell me something, as if to warn me, or to explain to me, but I cannot comprehend and I am not paying attention. I cannot decipher this dream, but I am very anxious and scared upon waking up.

A note for Mom

Mom! Is! A Mean! Person! Because! She! Didn't! Let! Me! Watch! The!
Hockey! Game! That! I! Deserved! To! Watch! Because! I! Got! Everything! Right!
On! My! Practice! Test! --> Turn Page!

I will not come out of my room until she apoligizes!
By your unworthy son Anton.

A lovely note left for me by my son after I told him to go to sleep before the Sharks game was over... It is a school night, I did let him stay up until 9:15, so he did see two periods. My boy is mad at me, but I really cannot be flexible about his bed time... he looks horrible if he doesn't get enough sleep... gets dark bags under his eyes. I can either keep him healthy or happy... either candy (happy) or soup (healthy), either hockey (happy) or sleep (healthy), either playground (healthy) or playstation (happy)... how does one find harmony and balance in parenting?

My boy

My son has Sever's condition and now has to wear a boot up to his knee to keep pressure off his heel for a while. So, forget about hockey, soccer, basketball for a while... My boy, true to his practicality and inherited from dad Jewish common sense, he immediately calculated the negative impact of this diagnosis... with a sigh he shook his head in disappointment and disbelief: "There goes my scholarship!..." My husband was laughing hysterically.

hospital windows

I am at the hospital with my son for a minor procedure. In the recovery room, while Anton is flipping through TV channels at the speed of 1000 clicks per minute and consuming hospital's monthly supply of saltines, I am studying hospital windows that look like shiny appliques on red walls surrounding a small courtyard. Each one has a story... and most of them are sad (except for the second floor, the maternity ward.) You can clearly see how long the person has been there... some had piles of magazines, books, food, cereal boxes on the windowsills, clearly an indication that the room has been or will be occupied for a while. Other windows are bare of stuff and seem somehow even more tragic... There are some windows whose inhabitants are trying to get a little fresh air, so a shoe or a box are sticking out to prop them open.

There is a window particularly close to where I am standing and open to my view. A girl of about 5 years old is sitting on the windowsill with her tiny red backpack glued to the glass. Her dad clumsily makes attempts to brush her hair, but she makes it impossible for him to make any progress... she moves her head back and forth, shakes it, she puts her feet up in front of her as if trying to keep him out and push him far away. He makes a couple steps into the room and there is now a woman in my view... she is on the hospital bed, wearing the hospital gown that makes her pale face appear almost platinum in the morning light. The girl stretches her arms towards her mom (the exact opposite from what she was doing a minute earlier to her dad.) The mother is emotionless, she stares through the window and I wonder if she sees me. The girl, whose face I cannot see, is defeated... her feisty spirit is gone as if swallowed by her mother's weary gaze... dad returns into the picture and picks his little daughter up with tender confidence, he now sits her on his lap and brushes her hair. The hair is in a nice ponytail... hairbrush returns into the little red backpack... "Mom, MORE SALTINES!" Interrupted, I try to catch a glimpse of the little red backpack, but it is gone... the curtains are being drawn to hide the frail female from morning sunlight streaking into the room, from my unwelcome curious eyes... from unwelcome visitor with a red backpack.

My husband voted

Ok, Vadim voted for Obama, for gay rights, for better conditions for farm animals...
I am so happy that we are in California (I am not a US citizen, but so wish I were on election days.) I fit in perfectly with this state and its liberal ways (especially San Francisco!!! it is heavenly living inside this constantly shifting diversity kaleidoscope!)

Some pictures of the week...

Busy weekend, as always... the weekend of getting lost and running late

I am trying to have a good attitude, but I am beat. So tired!

Saturday was rainy... I have been a bit anxious due to different family circumstances. Anxiety comes in waves and feels like emotional nausea. I know that there are medications for that, as well as just for being blue, but I actually appreciate the variety of feelings that I am capable of experiencing... for the most part the appreciation comes postfactum.

Anton was late for his hockey game (for the first time ever).... On Sunday, we were late for Stanley/Daniel birthday party (we got lost), we were almost late for Anton's basketball clinic (BART delay.) I don't normally suffer from "geographic cretinism", that is Vadim's prerogative. This weekend was out of the ordinary, as I kept going into the exact opposite direction every time I was going anywhere. I wonder if it is a sign of sorts to not follow my instincts this week and do the opposite of what my intuition is whispering in my ear.

Masha and I shared a club sandwich and a salad at Sugar cafe at 679 Sutter (cute, reasonably priced, with good Internet connection and a nice yuppie crowd.)

We have been running... running... running... and it's Sunday night and I can finally just lie down on the sofa.

Ok... and finally a funny poem that I read in good quality literature that my son stocks his bathroom with (He has a variety of comic books, magazines, steven king books, and some detective stories.)

Women's faults are many.
And men have only two:
Everything they say
And everything they do.

HA HA HA! That's right!

Scale addiction...

Well, guess who has the scale addiction in the family? Sonik! We sat her down on a scale once to weigh her, and now it is a part of her daily routine. She walks over to the scale and plops her cushy diaper covered tushie on it and sits there looking victorious. Funny baby!